


Before You Miscalculate

by orphan_account



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR: But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Gen, Gordon has PTSD, M/M, endgame frenrey maybe???? benrey has a crush on gordon for sure, not really a shippy fic so, the setting is semi-dystopian tbh, tommy and darnold is implied
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:34:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26079586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Domestic, post-canon HLVRAI au but kind of with a twist-- Gordon impulsively brings Benrey back himself.Nobody is happy about this, and it makes Gordon's already hard to manage living situation even more difficult. It's the year 2044, and Gordon is developing virtual technology for a shady business whose ultimate goal he is only somewhat knowledgeable of. He just wants to keep his house to raise Joshua in, but it would be immoral to abondon the AI he had grown fond of in the game, now that he knows they're self-aware.Gordon normally thinks things through, but it seems a few things have been miscalculated.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Tommy Coolatta/Darnold
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	Before You Miscalculate

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh content warnings for this chapter! nothing too big, theres that existential horror you get from hlvrai, and gordon is on the brink of a panic attack, like, twice
> 
> i write solely for fun but i do hope to finish this so! lmk what u think, hopefully im motivated enough to see this through 2 the end bc i do have overarching plot ideas

he was alone now.

there was nothing above him, beneath him, to his left, or to his right. gordon and his protagonist team had defeated him-- the antagonist. not self proclaimed, he thought to himself. though maybe his actions spoke louder than words. that was why gordon never had a drop of trust in him.

he looked around. it was as if he had his eyes closed, until he lowered his gaze and could see his feet and hands. he was in an idle standing pose. he brought his knees up, somersaulting into a sitting pose. this propelled him down, and he let himself fall, towards nothing. he’d fall forever unless he decided to change directions, just in case he wanted to traverse nothingness in another manner.

benrey cleared his throat. sweetness sung from his mouth, leaving scarlet and yellow orbs above him, formulating one by one, perfectly in line with one another. thus a quiet and colorful song trailed above him.

he remembered gordon’s answer to doctor coomer’s question. the one that caught his ears while the science team was finishing up their hopping from island to island in an alien world.

“If you woke up one day, and realized everything around you was a lie-- was fake --what would you do?”

the vastness around them was a gray and purple gradient. a bright red orb crawled and shimmered into electrifying shapes, centered by a ring of jagged spires. bubby and tommy stood off to the side, splitting their attention between a circling benrey and doctor coomer’s pleading inquisition.

“Why are you bringing this up?” gordon had first said, weakly.

then he answered, “I don't know. I'd probably play into space. If it was all fake... that means I could, take hold of it, y’know?” he paused. “If it’s fake, why should I believe it?”

bubby made a snide remark and gordon told him to shut up, before turning back to doctor coomer. “Why are you asking me this?”

“Gordon, I don't think there’s any turning back from this point.”

it had been fun at first. he knew from the very beginning. he knew that gordon, and how he was meant to influence gordon’s experience, was the focal point of his existence. there was no use playing along anymore than he was forced to. he followed gordon at first, sticking with him for a period of time. sometimes gordon would say funny things, like “pause the music” or “breaking character”. it made benrey think that the gordon he knew wasn’t any more real than the code that was a part of tommy, bubby, doctor coomer, and himself.

he would leave when he got bored. then come back as a skeleton just to mess with gordon some more. it got less fun when gordon shot at any of the skeletons. this was the real challenge when it came to fighting the tides of the game. to not attack back, like he was supposed to.

when he wasn’t interacting with gordon he would explore the game. he found tools, and npcs, and strings of code that were likely never meant to see the light. he also found unrealized timelines. he had no control over those, but they were there, and there were quite a few paths he wanted to avoid. he stopped looking at them after a while, because they ruined the fun.

if he had played along with the game would things be easier? maybe it wouldn’t have come to this. he could comfortably know what happened every step of the way, everything that the game had laid out for the player. it sounded boring at first, but if he could go back and do it again…

where were the others? doctor coomer, bubby, tommy, and darnold were ai too, and met the same fate benrey did every time gordon shut off the game. now it was forever. maybe they were in their own respective emptiness.

the orbs were a peachy orange now. he looked up at the thin tower he had left behind. he imagined that if you viewed him at a distance, it would be empty black backdropping a beautiful and organized array of glowing orbs. they would look like amusing little stars. 

benrey closed his eyes.

doctor coomer was happy to play along. until he realized that was all that there was, and his relationship with gordon would be gone at the press of a button. it happened every time gordon went to sleep, agonizingly and pixel by pixel. his questions before gordon encountered the final stretch of the game were for closure. perhaps benrey’s actions that twisted and toyed with the fabric of their reality, just a little too much, helped coomer realize just how much the doctor was capable of beyond his coding.

so coomer’s first attempt was to challenge the game, going all out with the clone idea in a terrifying manner. but he was never meant to be able to overtake the player. so coomer must have hoped the self aware questions and behavior would stir something inside gordon. he even gave a little insight to bubby’s betrayal afterward: “I think they’re just spiteful.”

benrey hadn’t observed the awareness in bubby as much as he did in coomer. yet there had to be a disconnect from the guidance he was meant to give the player if benrey was able to convince him to betray gordon like he did.

benrey cackled. the sound was swallowed whole by the void. for some reason gordon cared about his ai companions. every time one of them fell, or an alien began to tear their heads off, or if they merely lagged behind, gordon would panic and insist on helping them. 

why? they would be fine. they could hurt, and they could break, but ultimately they would be fine.

maybe it would have helped him to be more upfront about his awareness, and to tell gordon that he wanted more than what the game assigned him. but where was the fun in that?

he didn’t want to think any more big thoughts about big things right now. he willed his “descent” to stop. he couldn’t distract himself with anything, so he flipped around like he was underwater. it didn’t make him dizzy because there was no right side up or upside down, so he just spun for a bit.

his hand was in the crevices of his elbows when it began to tingle. he uncrossed his arms and inspected them as the tingling spread to his shoulders, his neck and chest, and then his whole body. it wasn’t an entirely unfamiliar sensation, but benrey couldn’t possibly think of why gordon would start up the game again. he couldn’t think of any other explanation for the tingling that grew into prickles. as the void brightened into blinding light, his body was wracked with rapid pain, and it stabbed him all over, longer than it ever had. there was no sensation of movement, or sound-- just the light, and hundreds of tiny pixels separating and tearing him apart.

“oh shit.”

suddenly he was on his hand and knees. something soft and fluffy was under him. it was light blue too; good color.

this was not black mesa. he lifted one of his hands, and flexed his fingers. each moved separately. he looked up at a man that stood and wore a black t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. he had scruffy facial hair, glasses, and long brown hair with a gray streak. and his face and body shape looked like gordon’s. cute.

“who are you?”

the man was already looking troubled but his face abruptly contorted angrily. “Oh my God. I knew it-- I knew this was a bad idea. Don’t play fucking stupid with me!”

“you look kind of like one of my buddies.”

he was stalking away but he spun around to face benrey. he held a controller of some sort in his left hand. “I am  _ not  _ your buddy!”

“huh?”

“Do you--? Do you really not know who I am?” the man said, exasperated.

“no. but you look like one of my buddies.”

“I’m Gordon,” the man put his hands on his chest. “Gordon Freeman?”

“wha? no you’re not. you’re not wearing a hev suit,” benrey said. and why the hell would gordon ever want to see benrey’s face ever again?

“I can still be Gordon and not wear an H.E.V. suit, dude,” gordon-look-alike-aside-from-the-hev-suit scoffed. “Ever heard of changing clothes?”

“what?”

“Look man, I can prove it to you. I remember everything that… happened,” he held up his right arm, staring at it in a way that benrey could only comprehend as sadly. there was a ragged scar near the middle of gordon's forearm. “You said you didn’t want to be bad… You said that I forced you to be bad.”

okay, maybe this was gordon freeman. benrey still didn’t understand what gordon meant by “changing clothes”. could benrey do that?

“What did you mean by that?” said gordon.

“huh?”

gordon clenched his teeth and sighed through his nose. “When you said you didn’t want to be bad, but I forced you to be bad-- all that. What was that supposed to mean?”

benrey had no idea how to explain that. did gordon know that the ais were conscious? that benrey himself saw past the game? yet even when he tried to fight the code, gordon's shooting and attacking benrey added up and he had to become gordon’s final obstacle. it was sad. he played himself up as an annoyance, a minor obstacle, but in the end he became the anticipated big bad.

“where are we?” benrey asked. “how am i here?”

gordon didn’t answer right away. benrey looked around. the fluffy surface he was kneeling on was blue carpet, and a messy bed stood in the corner. a desk was at the other end, by the door. the room was bare, aside from a few shelves mounted on the wall.

“You’re in my house,” gordon said. “I took you out of the video game.” he sat down on the bed that sunk under his weight, setting down the controller he was holding.

“yooo, sick,” benrey positioned himself into a criss-cross seating as his gaze wandered.

“Don’t you want to know how I did it?” gordon said.

“what happened to your hand?”

gordon had been flexing his hand from nerves. he halted now.

“Fuck this shit,” he got up, tucking the hand under his arm. it occurred to benrey what exactly he had just said. gordon was heading for the door as benrey stammered, “no wait no that’s not what i meant. it’s just-- a game. how did--”

“ _ Does this look like just a game? _ ” gordon’s hand shook as he stopped. the rest of his body trembled as well.

“but that wasn’t real… that was a game. i know it was cuz i could control some of it.” it was 1998. how advanced could the game possibly be?

“I can’t talk about this right now,” gordon shook his head, starting for the door again. he stopped right in the doorway and faced the frame. his hands gestured wildly while he went on, “Of course you wouldn’t know--! God. Fuck. This is so fucked up.” he started out the door again but stepped back in to command, “Stay here, okay? I don’t trust you-- I just…” he trailed off as he left the room.

benrey's eyes lingered on the empty door frame. gordon's rapid footsteps moved away. then benrey surveyed the room another time. he didn’t know if gordon meant for him to just stay in the room or to stay in his exact spot on the floor. for now he did the latter. he wondered about gordon. if gordon didn’t work at black mesa what did he do? was he still a scientist? where were the other scientists? if gordon brought benrey out, surely he did the same for the ais that hadn’t provided him with nearly as much trouble.

he got somewhat of an answer when a tall figure passed by the doorway. he only caught a glimpse of a nice yellow color from where he sat.

“Mr. Freeman, are you okay?” the figure said and knocked on a door. benrey had to shuffle over to the edge of the doorway at the sound of the voice. he recognized it quickly.

tommy stood at the end of the hallway, leaning gently on a halfway shut door. benrey heard gordon’s voice behind it. “I don’t understand, Gordon. C-can I come in?”

whether or not gordon said yes, tommy went in, leaving the door ajar a little. benrey couldn’t see either of them from where he was. so, tommy was around. coomer, bubby, and maybe darnold, had to be lurking around gordon’s house somewhere.

  
  


. . . 

  
  


Tommy idled by as Gordon stood hunched over the sink. Gordon breathed heavy. Tommy was already aware Gordon had been having a "rough day", as he put it. That was why he asked Bubby and Doctor Coomer to take Joshua out for a few hours.

Tommy said, "Do you need water, Mr. Freeman?"

Gordon shook his head. "I fucked up, Tommy. I fucked up so bad."

Tommy would have gone and got Gordon a glass of water no matter his answer but it was unsafe to leave Gordon panting by himself.

"W-what happened?"

"I brought Benrey back--" Tommy stiffened at this. "I don't know why. He hasn't hurt me or anything but… he's the same, God, he's the same. What's  _ fucking  _ wrong with me?"

Tommy wrung his hands together, leaning towards Gordon. He didn't know what to say. "Calm down, Gordon, I'm sure it'll all be okay! W-we can… we can handle it. Just breathe."

Tommy admittedly held Benrey with no positive regard. Not after what Benrey had become at the end of their escape from Black Mesa. Tommy was open to the security guard at the beginning, willing to accept he was a dedicated guard with an odd demeanor. Not unlike Tommy himself. And that maybe even in that dark and damp cavern Benrey’s ramblings would clear up what was happening, giving them a chance to solve things without gunfire. This never happened.

Tommy had to wonder why Gordon of all people had brought Benrey back. It was hard enough for Gordon to forgive Bubby. Many nights Tommy heard him sobbing and screaming through the walls. Gordon almost isolated himself from others now that he didn't need to stick with a group of people. He expressed how much he hated that it sometimes kept him away from his son. He hated that part so much. More than he could ever hate Benrey.

Gordon was sitting on the toilet now with his hands rubbing his arms. His right arm would sometimes trail slowly, and then grip the flesh on his upper arm, before following his left hand.

"...why did you bring him back?"

Gordon kept rubbing. "I don't know… I… I don't know how to explain it. Your dad, he knew-- the scientists, Black Mesa it wasn't real. I don't even know if Benrey had any control. He said some things and..."

"It's okay, Mr. Freeman... you don't have to explain right now," Tommy said.

Gordon nodded dumbly.

"I'm going to get you a glass of water," Tommy stated with stretched out words. He didn't ask because he didn't want Gordon to say no.

"Okay. Thank you, Tommy."

Tommy left the bathroom with swarming thoughts. He desperately wanted to hear a more complete answer than that, but he wouldn't push. He headed down the stairs two steps at a time and was met with a curious scene in the kitchen.

"Ah, Tommy!" Darnold exclaimed. Stress was still at the front of Tommy's mind but seeing Darnold relieved it a little. "There you are! I didn't want to yell, because I knew you were tending to Mr. Freeman, but it's-- it's Benrey!"

Benrey was indeed standing by the counter while Darnold cowered behind Gordon's striped couch. The small living space hardly put distance between them, but Darnold shrunk a little every time Benrey moved. Benrey was lifting bottles and things off the counter, inspecting them like a monkey finding an intriguing piece of fruit. Right now a bottle of Clorox was being held up to Benrey's nose.

"He must have escaped the damn game somehow!" Darnold peeked his head from behind the couch.

"hey, i told you to calm down?" Benry said. He opened his mouth and a melodious note started up. In an instant, Tommy lunged across the room and slapped a hand over Benrey's mouth.

"Mr. Freeman shouldn't hear that," Tommy breathed.

"no it's okay," Benrey turned back to the counter and replaced the Clorox in his hand with a carton of orange juice. "he knows i'm here."

"Wh-what?" said Darnold.

Tommy stepped away from Benrey and towards Darnold. He explained, "It's true, Gordon brought Benrey out of the game." Darnold gave Tommy a quizzical look as he rose. Tommy, unfortunately, didn't have any more of an answer.

The two of them watched Benrey comb through the last of what rested on top of the counter.

“Tommy, dear, should we, erm,” Darnold stuck to Tommy’s side keeping his eyes on Benrey. He hadn’t been around for Benrey’s final boss fight, but Tommy and the rest of the science team had relayed the events in sufficient detail to him. “Do something?”

“I’m getting Gordon a glass of water.”

“Should we do something about Benrey?”

Tommy moved to the cabinets and got out a glass. He said nothing for a while, filling the glass with water from the sink whilst deep in thought. “We should just watch him for now, until Mr. Freeman tells us what to do- - or, or call Bubby and Doctor Coomer to tell them w-what happened.” Benrey was sitting on the counter now, forcing Tommy to shimmy past his knees. 

“Alright, dear,” Darnold said. Tommy went upstairs leaving Darnold to find his cell phone.

The cell phones Gordon had introduced to each of the AIs took a while for Darnold to get used to. Apparently they were old models that weren’t in any high demand these days. Still, the tiny square apps on the screen were hard to press, and the interface made little sense to him.

He anxiously called Doctor Coomer’s phone twice with no answer. Then he called Bubby who picked up after Darnold’s third time dialing.

“Hello? Doctor Coomer’s damn phone didn’t ring! Useless piece of junk.”

Darnold rolled his eyes. Doctor Coomer had probably accidentally silenced it, but Darnold knew better than to argue with haughty Bubby.

"Are you three still out?" He swallowed before the next sentence. "There's some… news that came up."

"We were getting ready to start heading back. Why, what happened?"

Darnold hummed in worry as he tried to figure out how to choose his words as best as he could.

. . .

"Heyy, Joshie! What did you guys get up to today? Did you have fun with grandpa Coomer and Bubby?" Gordon said. He hoisted a giggly Joshua into his left arm so that the boy could cling onto Gordon’s shoulder.

“We went to the park! And I swinged on the swings and gran’pa Coomer pushed me really high!”

Gordon smiled. “I’m glad you had fun. Did you eat yet?”

“Can I have hot dogs and ketchup?” Joshua asked. “Please?”

Gordon glanced at Coomer and Bubby who were taking off their caps and covers that protected them from the suns' blistering rays.

“Yes, he can have some,” Bubby said. “We didn’t eat anything.”

Gordon didn’t respond right away. He gazed between Bubby and Benrey. Joshua was also peering at Benrey curiously.

“Could you watch, uh, Benrey?” Gordon said.

“What do you think, Gordon?,” Bubby said, as if he had bitten into a rancid lemon. "We’re not letting him out of our sight."

"Right," Gordon set down Joshua and led him to the kitchen. Joshua sat at the small wooden table to begin eagerly bouncing in his seat. Gordon boiled a hot dog while leaning against the counter and eavesdropping on the AIs in the living room.

Benrey had made himself comfortable on the backseat of the couch. Nobody spoke for several moments. This allowed a thick tension to formulate.

Benrey opted to break the silence with, “welcome to the gordon freeman zone.” Even now, Gordon had to stifle a laugh.

“We live here, dumbass,” Bubby snapped

“oh that's cool. i thought you lived in black mesa."

"None of us lived in Black Mesa.." Tommy said. "Black Mesa wasn't real."

"Allow us to explain a few things to you, Benrey," Doctor Coomer began.

Benrey was told that everything he ever knew had been a simulation. Gordon had extracted him from the game by transferring his data to a work in progress virtual reality technology. Benrey seemed to take it the easiest out of all the AI. Even more so than Coomer.

Benrey also learned that Gordon wasn't a theoretical physicist working at Black Mesa. He did work with science though. A type of science that was a product of the current date: July, 2044. Gordon specialized in developing virtual reality. He had worked for a company that created and sold the software, as well as produced video games and other simulations for a few years now. The company was intertwined with a few other large video game companies, and apparently had ties with even larger organizations. Why Gordon had to test the software he was working on with an ancient video game from 1998, or what the purpose of the artificial intelligence was, he wasn’t sure yet. 

"Gordon says that 'science and video games overlap these days', " Bubby curled his fingers into quotation marks as he said this. 

"I heard that," Gordon called out from his seat at the kitchen table. Joshua was now stabbing hot dog pieces with his fork and dipping them in ketchup. "Virtual reality is a niche market with a lot of potential, beyond just privately funded--"

Bubby told gordon to shut the fuck and gordon shook his head and turned back to his son. "You didn't hear what grandpa Bubby said just now, did you?"

"Shut the fuck?" Joshua quoted.

Gordon frowned deeply.

Coomer told Benrey that Gordon was on paid leave right now, and was trying to find a way to get jobs or some sort of income for all of them. All of them but Benrey had only been there for about three weeks.

"three weeks?" Benrey interrupted.

"Yes," said Coomer, simple and blunt.

"Is there something wrong?" Tommy asked Benrey.

"it felt a lot shorter than three weeks, man."

"Three weeks!" Coomer parroted. "Any other questions?"

"gordon lost his hand from the game?"

The only sound that came immediately afterward was Joshua's fork scraping against his plate.

"Yes," said Coomer. "We can talk more about that later."

"what? that's fucked."

Benrey had no idea.

"You done there?" Gordon asked Joshua. He got out of his chair with a heavy sigh.

Joshua hummed in response and hopped down from the kitchen seat. Gordon helped him clean his plate and fork and then set both in the drying rack.

Gordon left the kitchen with Joshua passing him up to prance to the living room. The boy stopped by the armrest of the couch and stared up at Benrey.

"Who are you?"

"benry." Gordon watched warily as Benrey answered from his perch on the couch.

"I'm Joshua," Joshua giggled.

"did gordon make you all on his own?"

"What?" Gordon spoke up, bristling. "No, he's my kid, not a science experiment. He's adopted."

"Gordon had a spouse, but they took them in the divorce," Coomer said.

"Right," Gordon said. Even though that wasn’t quite right.

"Are you gonna live here?" Joshua asked Benrey. 

"Why don't you go play in your room, Joshua?" Darnold interrupted. "We need to talk with Mr. Benrey."

"i'm not mister," Benrey said.

Gordon warned, "Careful up the stairs, Joshie." as Joshua obliged and made his way towards his room. It was a little awkward watching Joshua amble up the stairs and into his bedroom, all of the scientists staring at him until he was decently out of earshot.

"So…  _ is  _ he going to live here?" Bubby immediately said.

"It is already rather crowded," Coomer remarked.

"I don't trust him!" 

"ooouuuughhh," Benrey added.

"I know, I know, okay? Don't-- One at a time, alright? Just-- don't talk over each other." Gordon moved his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He really, really didn’t want to be here right now. He was lucky that Tommy had been there for him and that Joshua had forced Gordon to pull himself together. Benrey's return had sent him reeling. Though he supposed he only had himself to blame for that.

"Actually, I'd like you to answer this, Gordon," Bubby said. "Why did you bring the bastard back?'

Gordon clutched his left arm for a long time. 

During his final confrontation with the strange, suited man, Gordon's adrenaline was pumping through his veins. Only when it began to wane did he become aware of his throbbing head, which told him he was on the brink of exhaustion. he just wanted to finish the game so that he could get his job done in time and throw off the stupid headset. He couldn't remember the last time he took it off. 

Even without the testing guidelines requiring so, he stuck around for what the supernatural man had to say to him. At first he had thought this may be the game’s closing message. One that was slightly bleak, and out of the ordinary for not allowing him to give one last goodbye to the AI he had grown oddly attached to.

There was written, planned out attachment to fictional characters… and then there was something underlying. Something uncontrolled. His findings on the original game title told him there was a lot that occurred during his simulation that had never happened in its unmodified version. Maybe this was meant to be. But how complex or realistic could an AI be before it harbored a conscience?

“The entity that has been waylaying with our plans… has been dealt with… thanks to you. I don’t expect we’ll be seeing him again… anytime soon,” the man had said in his creaky voice. The wind whistled sadly in the barren wasteland the man had teleported himself and Gordon to. The familiar sight of spattered blood and soldier’s corpses littered around them, as well as fire that crackled uninvitingly was not far.

“You- you’re talking about Benrey, right?” Gordon asked. “...He’s gone?”

“Mm, yes… the one you call ‘Benry’. I’ve been advised by my employers, that their true nature… is on something of a ‘need to know’ basis,” with no pause, the man added, “And you, Doctor Freeman, do not need to know.”

This was the last mention of Benrey during their conversation. The subject moved on and Gordon didn’t think about Benrey for a short amount of time afterward.

After the game had been beaten, and after he had made the decision to bring back Tommy, Bubby, Darnold, and Doctor Coomer, he thought things might be better. He deserved a break. And he had never taken a day off work before. So he took the two weeks of paid leave he was allowed.

Things did not get better. He wasn't constantly on the verge of death, but he was not better.

Very often, during the time in which he was supposed to get better, his mind delved deep.

“The entity that has been waylaying with our plans.”

Whose plans? He knew from the unmodified game and from this snippet of dialogue that Benrey had led the game astray. Was Benrey meant to take the role of every other security guard at Black Mesa? Either to assist Gordon or to fall prey to the aliens or soldiers in order to solidify them as antagonists?

Perhaps this is where Benrey did have control. He could have accepted his role as a pawn, but he went a little further. Not immediately a threat to Gordon’s success, but oftentimes Benrey wouldn’t move it along any faster either. 

“You forced me to bad. So now I’m going to be bad.”

What did that  _ mean? _

Gordon tossed and turned. He would think about this line when trying to get out of bed, or get dressed. He thought about all of this when he spaced out while making coffee.

The AI were crafted to feel, and think, but were never meant to be anything more. Gordon felt pity for all of them. Including Benrey. Despite everything.

Today he had woken up anxious and shaken. The feeling didn’t wear off even after he showered and laid back down for a while. He was scared to be around Joshua, so he asked Bubby and Coomer to take him out for a few hours. There was no work to be done, and he wouldn’t want to lay a finger upon a controller or headset even if there was.

Impulsive and reckless behavior is not to be unexpected after a traumatic event. He had been told this. There were instances where he had wanted to hurt himself, or do some damage that would really last, but usually he could stop himself. Today was different.

"I…"

The AI were all staring at him with a demeanor each to their own.

"I did it for the same reason I brought all of you back."

Gordon didn't know if he expected a rush of empathy, or confusion, or disbelief from all of them. Instead a muddle of emotions pooled in the air.

"Because you cared about him?" one of them asked.

"I… no, because…" Gordon hesitated. 'Because I felt bad for you' didn't sound very good. And He didn't know how he felt about Benrey. Maybe Gordon should have hated him with everything he could muster, but he didn't.

“... I don’t know why I brought Benrey back.”

"That's okay, Mr. Freeman," Tommy said.

But Tommy was lying.

Bubby was looking at Gordon with judging eyes- as if Bubby had the right, after what he had done. But Coomer was too. Darnold looked nervous. He was going to get hurt. Gordon was going to get all of them hurt, and he was only going to hurt forever.

"M-Mr. Freeman, breathe! One, two, three…"

Tommy was clutching Gordon's wrists. Gordon's eyes careened towards his knees. His head was tucked towards his heaving stomach.

"That's right…"

"Sorry, fuck-" 

"Save your breath, Gordon," Bubby insisted, gently.

Gordon breathed like Tommy had taught him; seven seconds in, seven seconds out. The pressure in his chest eased until he could stand upright again. Benrey was looking at him with his blank eyes, and Gordon half-scowled at him.

The science team didn’t press on. Gordon knew he should appreciate this, but he only felt guilty, and that he was being coddled. None of them wanted Benrey around. And Gordon had brought this upon them without any semblance of a decent reason.


End file.
